Today in class my kids got a lesson in peer-pressure and bullying at the hands of our school phychologist. The whole time he was talking all i could think of was how useful these classes could have been for me in my youth. I know that i could have benefited from these classes in the rough, aggressive, kill-or-be-killed environment that was and remains U**** Elementary School where "i'm gonna slit your throat because your the reason he won't go out with me" or "get off our football field bitches before i bust a cap in your ass" are regular lingo. Heaven only knows that Mr. Randall and Mrs. Moore deserved hazard pay. However there is only one incident that is permanently embedded in my memory.
One day some kids were playing a football game in the parking lot which was tough because of all the burned out cars and broken liquor bottles, but the lines proved to be just about 5 yards apart so that was the best place to could manage. Anyhow, it was late in the game and Team Jones was down 6 but in the red zone and getting ready to score. With time running out, Matt "the punisher" S****** aired out a long bomb to Blake "i've got the moves of a jungle cat" M*******. With M*******'s NFL like skills, naturally he caught the pass in the end zone for a score tying the game. In a deft repeat of the same play S****** and M****** hooked up again for the extra point, thereby winning the game. Feeling insulted and suffering from Napoleon complex one of the safetys from Team Smith got into M*******'s face and started to bully on the typically demure future pro-bowler. The comments that were hurtled at the poor boy prompted him to reach into his sock and pull out not a Sharpie, but a shiv he'd made in class with Scotch tape and paper clips. Feeling the peer-pressure from his on-looking teammates, all thirsty for blood, M******* proceeded to shank the defender and leave the motherfucker bleeding in the endzone. Team Jones then broke into celebration by craking open a bottle of HotDamn. When officers arrived to investigate there was little talk of the shanking but an on-looker of the game stepped forward pointed to Matt "the punisher" and mumbled..."Uh...he's got a gun."
Now I've got to believe that if I'd had this kind of training this whole mess could have been avoided.

Disclaimer: We "the authors" of this blog would like to assert that this post is what is commonly known as a satire. We feel that there is actually quite a lot of merit to character education and simply saw an interesting opening for an entertaining story.